#11 | moving
Today my mom came to visit and we had a reservation with two of my cousins. When we were walking to the restaurant, my mom realized that she left out the food I gave her for lunch, and asked if the cats will possibly eat it. (I’m taking care of my ex’s cats until January when she has more space.) I got frustrated and panicked because this is one of the only things my ex asked me to do during her grief, and even though she also pushed me away in her time of need and somewhat deemed me incapable of emotional guidance, I felt an obligation to fulfill this task, partially because of a stupid hope that it would make her see that maybe it could work out. But if the cats get sick, then it’s definitively proven My Fault and she’ll hate me forever.
I turned around on the sidewalk and ran to the train and went home to put the food away, full of rage. Not at my mom, but at the situation. She and my cousins got takeout instead and we ate it at my apartment, all the food laid out on my ex’s dining table and our butts sitting on my ex’s couch, in the apartment my ex found.
She’s still a constant in my life even when I’m trying to move forward with myself. She’s why I have to spend so much time and effort to find housing. My life was defined by her and now my stress stems from her decision. She disappeared, but not from my life. And through all of this I still worry for her. I want to find peace but I can’t. I did take down all the wall art she put up and the knick knacks of hers on the fridge though. It hurt too much to look at.
My cousin said there’s nothing actionable other than to look after myself, which is honestly a pretty big act in this moment. He listed out what I do know:
- She is having difficulty expressing herself
- She needs space
- She is suffering
- She is confused
He said, it’s not much, but it’s enough for you to sit with. He and his brother were telling me that psychoanalyzing another person and searching for these answers (doing “relationship autopsy”) gets you nowhere. Sure, it might make you feel 10% better, but the takeaways from that often aren’t even reliable or conclusive. that in this moment I just need to be still and evaluate the things I truly want. My cousin said, sometimes the things you think you are happy with, you’re actually better without. And the things you dread may not be so bad after all.
He also added, the bad feelings will still come and wash over you, but they’ll creep out even more at night, so try to sleep early and avoid that. So I’m going to sleep now.