#9 | running
I'm a human with needs. I used to spend constant time with someone who made me happy, so, chemically, I need to fill that with something else or else I'll have an imbalance. my friend dragged me to the gym a few times. I ran a little. I want to keep this habit, but I know myself; I've never been good with routine.
I've been spending the days hating myself. she told me it was my fault, that she was exhausted by me. I was so hurt and realized I'd been holding in a mountain of feelings for months, feelings I'd held in because she was so overwhelmed by grief, because I cared for her. I'd been deprioritized for her friends despite trying to reach and care for her, and then made to feel like voicing my feelings and wanting to work through them was a flaw, like I was the problem, like I brought this upon myself, like I deserved this. the one person who hurt me has no space to hold my pain, either, and I don't know if she ever really will. I was trying so hard, and then was let go and made invisible. I'm a person, and a person has needs; we all do. I feel fucking sick. I guess I'll do a push-up and call it a day.